I started out this year full of affirmation that this would be the year everything comes together. Fast forward to Day 4 into November I think I can safely say that it will not be happening. While I mainly feel failure, the other part is teeming with astonishment that I’ve made it through. Another year Christina, another year making it through the fire and coming out only slightly toasty. October felt as if there was a grey cloud of misery following me everywhere I went. We’ve decided to move out of our slice of heaven apartment to set our sights on the bigger picture. Yes, I am 30 and moving back in with my parents. It was an extremely hard decision to come to, but it is for the greater good. I am fortunate enough to be in a position that I have an extremely supportive family. I have parents who are allowing, for the small price of me being personal cook, to move back in. Not many people I know have that option, so I have to mark myself fortunate.
Dealing with this adjustment however has been extremely difficult for me, I love my apartment, the location, overall lifestyle with my boyfriend. Lately I have just been feeling pretty low, besides the apartment thing, some other shitty things have been happening.. I’m hoping that this is the last of it for a while, because my grandma always said “bad things happens in threes,” and it feels like I’m on my twelfth shitty experience. Whoever has my voodoo doll can you please move on to someone else, I’m asking kindly.
It’s been difficult speaking about it, because there are people out there who are going through tragedies that I can’t imagine going through. Who am I to complain about my issues when people are dealing with things happening to love ones where they have zero control over. Seeing strength in those people makes me question my own self-worth. Am I not as strong as I think I am, am I really going to buckle after these setbacks. I know its not the case, but I compare myself to how they conducted themselves through this and I find I have room for improvement.
This morning I read a quote that I found on Instagram by Danielle Doby, it speaks on how its not healthy to cover your pain, and that not having it all together is nothing to be ashamed of. And that we need to remind ourselves that even when life is difficult we are still so fortunate to be here. I’ll place the quote just below, but a lot of her stuff is really quite fantastic. It’s how I wish social media was more like and not the bullying shithole it has become. It’s just a beautiful message to me that we are always going to be learning and relearning through our experiences. Whether positive or negative be proud of them and face them with an open mind not as something you should be ashamed of. So, people, I’m moving back home, you might not hear from me for a while, because I’m trying to get my shit together for a better and overall more positive life. May the force be with you all.